Okay. God damnit! That twenty minute window for randomness after being really drunk has expired. This email is not going to be as powerful as I envisioned it. Anyways, as I mentioned It's only so long before I lose the great entirety of my wit, so in the mean time I'm going to need you to indulge me. I don't know where to start. Well, the rumors are true, I've ceased to exist in the Myspace world. Since my deletion I've tried to keep a distance from that ever mind-fucking waste of time, but It's been hard, I won't lie. But, enough with the pleasantries.
Our relationship has utterly failed. All this chatter over us meeting up somewhere, sometime, doesn't seem likely anymore does it? It's okay, you
needn't blame yourself. I feel I've matured enough over these past few months to take responsibility for this failure, fully. Well, that and my illness
explain my decision to take responsibility. To enlarge upon this terribly unfortunate circumstance I hasten to add that we are star-crossed. It isn't meant
to be Kayleigh. I don't mean to be overwhelming with my cynicism, but is there an alternative? Aren't we inevitably doomed to be victims of the the
growing internet and text message misperception campaign? For instance, I'll be bold enough to guess your perception of me which has ultimately been
delivered via the internet. You see me as a raving lunatic, a man who exists in two extremes but ultimately outside of the Bi-Polar disorder realm. At times
I'm very endearing and then at other times I'm very grating. There seems to be no medium? Right? I love you like I used to love Soda and then I spite
you like you're a smelly DDR session. Now, there is no need to for me to elaborate on my misperception of you, because this isn't about our particular
misperceptions, I merely use this as an example to reveal the vile deception that exists within the Myspace and internet presentation!
Back to our relationship. If we were to hang out regularly, without the mask of the internet you would see me for everything I am, and I would see you for
everything you are. You would see me as bland. Endlessly bland and mediocre. Because, I'll be the first one to admit I'm wondrous on paper, my resume
(Myspace and AIM record) are almost mystifying. I'm starkly aware of this. But in person I'm too country for rock n roll. But, you are too rock n roll
for country, but again I'm not here to reveal my musings on your character, just know that I am faithfully able to bounce perceptions, dribble them like
basketballs actually. If you were to participate in my execution, by my own admission, I'd initially be taken aback. I'd be like "I thought me and
Kayleigh had an understanding, I thought we were both malajusted, but here I am and there she is!" But, then through my superhuman power to change my own
perception of a person I would change that said perception in your favor. Now, I hesitate to use the term superhuman, because of its Superman comic book
connotations and imagery, but I hasten to inform you I merely adhere to Nietzsche's superhuman connotations, not your average Marvel Comic book fans
connotations. And also I scarcely like to make pop culture references. But back to the point, to be more metaphorical, I can hate your guts, but at the same
time love you boundlessly. This is merely something I've been endowed with, I don't mean to gloat here Kayleigh. Now, I know your chicago person
sensibilities with it's interesting mixture of Illinois person sentimentality, and I know you'll think "No! Andy! this can't be one day we
will meet, and all of these mischances will be redeemed, I'll make it all up to you and vice versa!" I do not see that particular scenario as
undesirable, but again I'm a realist and you are a sentimentalist, and a sensualist but that's besides the point you rogue. And again, at some point
during this email, you've probably thought to yourself that I'm merely creating more problems here without offering any semblance of a resolution. But,
I have something that may satisfy us both. Not a resolution, but a proposition. Now, I think I've been pretty clear with my summary of our relationship,
but I'll go over the salient points one last time for rhetorical effect if nothing else. I'll start with my role in this relationship. I am this quirky
internet character that you happened to come across through some happenstance by which you ended up in Michigan. You formed a stronger in person bond with my
former acquaintances thus endearing them to you, but You've always known that you have greater potential with me. This has always been a great source of
torment for you, as you are more often than not very disappointed while hanging out with these said former acquaintances. You've made vague attempts at
trying to initiate a stronger in person bond with me, all the while, the attempts are again vague which is incongruous with your feelings towards me which are
very non-vague, in fact very strong, but you are inhibited by your perception that I am indifferent to forming a stronger in person bond. Now, without further
ado, I arrive at my feelings and your role in this relationship. You are my muse. You allow me to exercise my madness. Through our Myspace and AIM
correspondence I have purposely imposed a misperception on you. Revealing, I know, but this started a long time ago. I felt that this misperception was growing
and growing, but I did nothing to prevent it, in fact I fueled the fire, I needed to be wondrous on paper because of my blandness and ultimately disappointing
real-life presentation. I gradually felt that you were starting to realize that I was a beautiful soul. A silken soul. An incorruptible soul. You started to
come to terms with my madness, although at first it was insulting. You felt that I shouldn't condescend you, but eventually you realized my madness knew no
bounds, thus you became accepting of it. It even charmed you at times. Now, at the same time my madness was growing on you so was my boundless love. You had
never felt such strong feelings through a mere internet relationship, and frankly you were overwhelmed. You loved me. And I knew it. And I subsequently
exploited you. Before, I explain this, remember Kayleigh, remember I needed this, I needed to be loved. I exploited you by urging your feelings for my own
gain. I needed you to think I was mad but at the same time loving, sickeningly loving, so that I could believe it myself, yes. And I wanted to slowly drag this
out, I wanted this to last forever, but three important changes took place that have ultimately reshaped the future of our relationship. I became very ill, I
contracted brain fever, and then I subsequently had to delete my Myspace. The second, and the most tragic of the three was on New Years Day when you made your
final attempt at luring me into a real-life relationship. I refused it. Why Wouldn't I refuse it? You needn't know my bad side Kayleigh! I tearfully
admit I'm so mediocre it's like I'm not mediocre!
And the third and most revealing of the three, I fell in love with you. I fell in love with my muse. I'm currently returning your love! Can't you feel
it kayleigh?! I hope you can feel it, I hope you can feel it so bad and so good! Now, there is no need for me to elaborate on my love or how it came about,
just know that it is a faithful and vigorous love, just like the rest of my endeavors. Finally, the proposition. My love for my muse is ultimately going to
jeopardize, well my muse. Now, I do not have a Myspace, so for the next year I will send you a daily email. In these emails I will rant and rave and love and
exercise every quality that I have as an internet figure and not as a person! This will create the illusion of our former relationship and will satisfy all of
my aforementioned needs. You need not return these emails nor read them. Suffice to say you do not need to respond to them, with the exception of this one. In
return, you will give me one more chance, one more shot at initiating a real-life relationship! Oh, I would crawl to the ends of the earth for this chance! We
Will live, we will love! You will teach me to love! You'll teach me to be expressive as a person! We'll buy coloring books and then we'll finger
paint instead, just to spite the coloring books! These are agonizing visions Kayleigh! Agonizing in the most beautiful way, I am so gleeful when I consider
this prospect, so utterly gleeful. So full of glee!
Okay, I leave this in your hands. Please, for my sake try to respond as quickly as possible, I will awaiting your reply in the most painful suspense!
Faithfully
Do your best to shake it off.
