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An observation amidst the chaos...
So, I realize that I have neglected Xanga over the past year. I guess I just didn't really feel like I had anything important to say. But recent events in my life have given me the opportunity to re-evaluate my...for lack of a less-epic term...existence. In order to explain it the right way, I have to set up the premise...

In 1998, my older brother, Adam, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Being as how I had really just started to know him as a family member (separate story...) I probably didn't take it as well as I could've. I remember being convinced that my brother was going to die. It was a ******* brain tumor, you know? After he beat it, I swore I would never take anyone's character for granted. The courage he displayed is the most amazing thing I've ever encountered, and since then, he's been the "prototype" for me. An example of the person I could become.

So, no eight long years later, we're back in this scenario. A little older, a little wiser, but still scared to death for him the way I was in '98. This feeling of uncertainty mixed with this idea that I haven't progressed nearly as much as I thought I had. I am aware that my concerns lie more with Adam, Andrew, my Dad, etc., then they did last time. Call it selfish, and maybe it was, but I was 16 years old, for christ's sake. The tumors have spread to his spine, dangerously close to his spinal cord. He lost vision for a few days. And for the first time in my life, my brother admitted he was scared. It's hard maintaining composure when someone you care about says that in the face of death, because it's admitting that there is this huge blob of uncertainty about the whole thing.

I also worry about Kendra and the kids. Kendra has been amazing through all this, and I can honestly say that I couldn't do what she's done. And the kids...oh, lord. the kids... they're the greatest thing that could've ever happened to this family. To hear Adam talk about them is so cool. I worry about them, too.

I know all this sounds really morose and pessimistic. It's not meant to be. I'm forcing myself to maintain a cautiously optimistic demeanor about all this. I owe Adam that. Hell, I owe this whole family that. But, it's hard. It's hard seeing your role model suffering and having to deal with this concept that they might not be around tomorrow. It's made me see everything a little differently. What are my responsibilities as a son? A brother? A boyfriend? A friend? Hell, what are my responsibilities to myself?

Please don't respond to this. That's not the point of this entry. I guess I just needed to get some thoughts out on something, rather than carry them around as excess weight. Besides, this is much easier than crying and not advancing through life. As bad as I feel about the whole thing, I can't even touch what Adam is going through, and what he's going to go through. Direct chemotherapy to the brain. radiation. Everything's so unsure right now. All I can say for sure, though.... regardless of what happens, He's the strongest person I know. hands down.